Pre Departure

So, it was raining and gloomy and the weather channel said there's gonna be frequent showers with thunderstorms..and I was there in my room just the day before my move out with suitcases stripped open with clothing, utensils, electronics, books scattered throughout every corner of the room-and there I was--- thinking how can I NOT go to the city?I may not come back in a hell lot of months..I may come back but may not have the chance to roam about as freely as I do now!I may end up being there with a bunch of people who can totally blow out the chances of feeling the city in the same way I used to. And then there was the weather-all grey and looking like a puffy eyed kid who had cried for the last whole hour. The rain was not bad especially since it helped cool off the weather and made the morning sleep more peaceful but nonetheless I was feeling miserable. There was soo much to pack and I felt almost guilty of not doing my most urgent tasks. But when I was almost giving up the idea and forcing myself back to organizing the suitcases, the phone rang!Sam's mssg-"it doesn't matter what the weather is you are not leaving without seeing me. We can do a hell lot of stuff indoors if you like. But lets go to the city" ..that's all I needed.It didn't take me more than a 10 seconds to grab the towel and run for the shower. Half hr later I was prim and ready to take bus 33. The wind was howling as if it's mad about my decision but it felt like I was going out on a date with someone who my family doesn't really approve of which, by the way actually added to the thrill!
So, then we were back to the city-fooling around as always..Central park looked sooo gorgeous like it never did before..or maybe it looked better cos I was pining to see it soo much. Had a glimpse of the Hudson from the roof of the Natural History museum. It truly looked different with the storm clouds hanging over the luminous landscape. Sam was buying trinkets from the museum store and I was just gazing outside the large glass windows. It was hard for me to explain to her why I was being soo different today. Got back to Times square later at night..Saw Eat Pray Love. Shouldn't have seen it. Should've stayed outside in the open taking pics and feeling the city lights..but it would be too much to ask for from a friend who's not into the city and with a crazy scary weather with constant lightnings. Later while walking towards port authority I couldn't help but notice each and every theater, Applebees, BBQ rest,Regal, AMC's, 'I love NEW YORK' stores with wondrous eyes of a first time tourist and I was like what on earth is wrong with me? I used to hate 42nd street beyond anything.. After night classes in the film academy I used to dread going back this street cos of the impossible traffic on Saturday Sunday nights. The only thing I used to notice in this street is a possible gap between two people through which I can squeeze through to get an inch closer to port authority! and now I hardly want to walk back towards Port Authority!
After reaching the bus terminal and seeing Sam get into her bus I figured that both my IPOD and phone's battery went down. So, God officially made me a handicap and forced me to stop distracting myself as I usually do and ponder over things that I should have thought a while back.
Thoughts of mum and dad, who has always sacrificed more than they are capable of for me and bro filled up my mind. It was hard for me to be alone for a little while without ipods, smart phones or any of the accessories of the 21st century..their thoughts are too painful to bear and it kept on drilling my head that how on earth can they stay away for years without seeing us just because we took some decisions on our life which we are overtly proud of!Are we that selfish or is it how it's supposed to be?We are just doing our jobs which are already destined by some one wayy smarter than us? I felt lonely all of a sudden..scared like a first time high school graduate..wanted to be beside someone, maybe wanted to be anywhere but at Port Authority that time. the clock seemed to have stopped ticking..why is it in the same position that I saw 10 minutes back?tried to recheck the time with my phone..but well the phone's battery is down!great!fumbled for the ipod to see if its really not working..got startled when the guy next to me asked me 'are you ok?'..as i always am over proud of being a brilliant actress, i looked at him with the most flashy smile ever-"yeah why"..he was a little hesitant..no..well..ur eyes..
man!when will I ever learn to start wearing the waterproof liners..went to the bathroom..a nice racoon in the mirror..God knows why I was upset..
dn't want to mention how the bus zipped its way away from the highway and the NY skyline faded with dazzling lights and the smoky clouds..As much as I was trying hard to push the thoughts of the glorious days in the city and the distant future when I'll have the chance of coming back again , I slowly noticed that the tears have finally stopped..
well...The GOLDEN STATE awaits me.:)

A moment, a love, A dream, a laugh

Weird afternoon..It's not that hot after a while..the rains seemed to end after all.And I'm sick.Probably a little fever; was lying in the bed for a while..feels so surreal.Haven't even thought of resting around 3 pm since freshman year. It has been five years since then. Classes/friends/Work kept me busy till late at night. And especially on a bright day-staying at home seemed like an old woman's pathetic fate..But today is different. My life seems to be changing soon. Very soon.In less than a fortnight!It's scary but exciting.I'm nervous but optimistic. After all, I'm not paying attention to those countless people and whatever they said and believed and preconceived about me and my shaky future and my wild goose chase. Finally could put the thought behind my head that once the family thought and worried too much about the 'weakest child'. God!I'm so thankful to whoever forced those thoughts to evaporate.
The phone rang!Some women are constantly bugging me to join the Church of Mother God since the day I met Mari in Bryant Park. Why does Bryant park have to prove itself to be the most eventful place every time? Tactically had to cut it short and notify my phone company to block the caller. Dear God!please forgive my ignorance and hope you know that honestly there's no disrespect in trying to avoid these societies. But I hope you are happy about my such decisions!I'd rather try to find you through every of my ridiculous ventures.
Someone is whistling '500 miles' in the other room.This song has such a folk tune that it makes us feel nostalgic. Or should I say makes ME feel nostalgic. It makes me remember things like mom's tensed hands in the airport,dad's internal fears hidden under an always positive attitude, best hugs and fights with brother, Muni's obvious despotism(which by the way is the best entertainment in the world)and my very few encounters with those special people who's memories still makes me smile. I started feeling a little down.Got up and turned on the speakers high. Sweet Disposition' on the radio. Perfect song at the perfect time. It shook me off my inner struggles and helped me pull myself together, get up from the bed, get moving and fix all the junk in the room that apparently makes my beautiful look too shabby. Love the song!Gives me such a sense of positivity..I almost feel like I have the capability of flying a plane and landing in a distant island.Lol!That's hilarious! I only wish!But for now, San Francisco should be the island. and the bike can try to act as the jet.I've given it enough training. Sometimes it does fly. Heard its cold in SF!In the summer!!Another thing adds to the list of why I don't want to leave New York! Let me get back to pulling the cardigans out of the closet and start packing.Holler me for making the afternoon so productive. But after all the afternoon daydream was worth it!:)

those lost peeps.

hate smitten,
longing for sex
(but talking about love)
ferociously calling themselves independent
(but scared to take a midnight subway)
doomed feminists
with eye under every male's navel;
watching sunsets
but without the hookah it's impossible;
a cross of Jesus, pink rosary on the wall-
beneath, a matching pair of fuzzy handcuffs.

tried to stay away, not get involved
but
their blazing Sephora Buxom Lash mascaras are difficult to ignore..

after all they consider themselves gorgeous as coyotes.
strutting all their weapons and standing on their paws
(rather the 7 inch L.A.M.B heels..)
I see them clustered together..always together..
Its easier to hunt on a prey within a group..it's a safe zone after all...

The New York Scyscrapers

Only yesterday while passing the New York skyscrapers I felt a sudden sting in my heart. I felt scared, suddenly anxious and a sense of loneliness managed to make me feel a little down. These buildings! I never knew when I grew a fondness for each of them. I have to leave them shortly. Oh man! That word ‘leave’ doesn’t make feel good. I’ve heard of people missing their houses/apartments/pets/family and friends when leaving their home towns, but missing skyscrapers can certainly look odd.

It wouldn’t look odd if anyone was in my shoes…Since freshman year it has been five years since I first stepped in New York City. The first glimpses of the Manhattan skyline against the rustic sunset and the sparkling waters of the Hudson river was breathtaking..The buildings displaying their shiny glass and steel frame looked proud and pompous..remember clicking endless pictures and saving them as laptop wallpapers..little that I knew that these high rises would somehow be a part of my existence in the city.

Now it’s not a problem to explore the city without proper sun block or an umbrella since I know my favorite nook and corners where I can manage to get proper shelters. But back in those college days…torrential rain in the city wouldn’t look as appealing as it looks from the comfortable seats of a home theater. The shades of these towers would be the only safe harbor to run to. Venturing the city at late nights being a single girl would sometimes turn ugly as shady stalkers would hunt on their easy late night prey. Saving me would get easier if somehow I could delude them into thinking I know someone from one of these mansions. With heart rate over 100 bpm when I used to reach the columns, the creepy men would somehow recede. To me, something in these buildings always radiates the sense of power and protection.

Those post graduation days--with the fresh stings of the then-recent break up with my somewhat stable relationship and with friends being scattered and my sudden decision to change my career path, with family hardly being supportive and with a sick job with the sicker bosses my life was more overwhelming than I could handle. Running to the city in the eagerly awaited weekends seemed to be the only option. Once out of Port Authority and with the first sight of the New York Times building, I used to feel at home. Yesterday I was back at the World Financial Center area. I was acting as a tour guide to my parents. They were happy with my narrations and knowledge about the place. Little that they knew how hard it was for me to not share and tell them the best stories and experiences that are related to the place. Starting from my best birthday party under the palm trees in world financial center to my boyfriend ditching me at the same magnificent place, stories remained untold. I relived the experience when I ran out of the World Financial center and hid myself in the intricacies of the construction areas surrounding WFC. My ex’s search for me remained futile. He was feets away from where I camouflaged myself. But the columns of the skyscrapers seemed to play the game cooler than I expected. The light and shadow it exuded helped suppressing both myself and my most meaningless tears. I had to pass the same areas yesterday.. Liberty Street, Vesey Street, Salomon Brothers building, Headquarters of American Express and Lehman Brothers, NASD ,East 42^nd street, Wall street, West 14^th street and memories kept flashing back..It felt like I knew all of the towers in each of these streets..I wish these buildings could see how much I’m thankful to them. The feeling of solitude comes naturally for a single girl in early twenties when she’s by herself in a big city without proper support. But by some means I never felt insecure or hardly alone in the presence of these massive towering constructions. Times could have been harsh in freezing winters, torrential rains, isolated Christmases and post breakup periods in the city. But they never were. These constructions seem to have seen every phase of my young college life and helped me take control of it in the most silent and private way. I may not have the same wallpapers in my laptop anymore but if I miss something that I cannot take with me to the new city that I’m about to explore soon- that will be these towering knights of mine-the New York skyscrapers.

The beginning.

The castle still stands. It shows it's obvious signs of aging with broken staircases, crumbling stones and faded wall-hanging tapestries. But it doesn't look like the fall out shelter at all. It stands mighty and erect with all its sky high towers and turrets beside the gushing waters of the ever turbulent ocean. The ocean and the castle seem to complement each other. It intensifies the beauty.The white foamy crashing waves bring out the ruggedness of the broken castle walls.The green mosses overlaying the window seals seem to enjoy every bit of the gusty weather with the spray of the ocean hundreds of feet below. The castle doesn't have a ditch or a moat. It stands apparently defenseless and very much vulnerable to any foreign attacks. But somehow I know, standing there on the vast rooftop, that it doesn't need any so called protection because whoever made this castle hadn't had any knowledge of fear. This castle was not built for safety. It is apparent from its large window contrary to narrow arrow slits in the walls, open bell towers and lots of unused free space. I wish I could meet the architect.How can someone be so clueless when building a fortress whose main idea should be based on defense! But hang on, maybe I'm wrong; maybe the architect knew exactly what he was doing. He made this gorgeous shelter for aimless travelers like me to rest our minds and protect our soul from the scorching heat of the urban society whose narrow limits and race against time makes us truly defenseless; defenseless to the corporate world and the Frankenstein of the bosses it created whose only goal is to be in everyone's business,torture you to meet impossible deadlines and making you work like a slave until late hours without benefits or even a little nod of appreciation;defenseless against the the attack of the ultra-health conscious glam magazines which mystifies the concept of feminine figures and asks you to join their preferred health program which can turn you into a body with toned legs like Diaz,high curves as Lopez',and flat abs as Anniston's. (Wondering what the result should look like..yet to do the experiment in photoshop!!!)The same magazine will advertise and waste a very few pages in describing how gorgeous a supermodel like Crystal Renn can be even when she's considered a plus size!!!Like c'mon editors when will the hypocrisy end!probably never cos u guys are doing your job to sell ur magazines I guess)
the attack goes on..with intervention of families just as jealous as Cinderella's two sisters; attack of their offspring who uses their off tanking and fire logging methods to crush the confidence of a generation of youth with their multitude of extra curricular activities and ever prepared strong resumes..
girlfriends who reminds of nothing but Scarlett's cousins complaining in the fields of Tara with their eternal complaints and striking ways to win battles by just mere nagging and sissyness.
Oh did I forget to mention one of the biggest gear of the battlefield..the relationship tanker..It has more potential than the biggest enemy threats...the talented strategies it uses to encroach on the target can easily nullify the thoughtful 'final fantasy' tactics..the sweet word of seduction to the extreme fake possessiveness, to the sudden mood changes(without PMSing or any rhyme or reason) to the carefully driven infidelities...well what other ways are there to crush and cause a positive and permanent damage to the target...
Is there any hope?
The castle still stands...stands tall..cos its battered plinth is relatively stronger than any of the above attacks..the corner buttresses add to its support..i run up the stairs to the top most floor where the wind howls the most and it flows through my hair and makes me feel at home :)
The dream halts..text message 1-"hun u've no idea, i met this gym trainer..not 8 packs but certainly close to six..smiled at me a few times..u think the games on?"
text message 2- "the doctor just had 9 procedures today!..why the hell are the scheduling so less!if u want your job come to my office NOW!"
text message 3-"Dear Leo,you have to stand up for yourself if you want to remove the clouds.The fire is burning soo hot that you will face arguments and you will find people less likely to come in terms with you today"
Jesus!!!!Poor castle I've to leave but will visit you soon. I can hardly live without your presence.Keep on haunting me as you've done for the past two decades.:)
à bientôt!